My two main goals in this life are:2. "To be conformed to the image of His Son" (Romans 8:29)
When I first started my journey in my walk with Christ, the thing I prayed for the most was "Wisdom" ~~ Then I read in Ecclesiates 1:18 "In much wisdom come much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief". But it is through my times of trial, that my relationship with the Lord has bcome deeper and richer in a way that would never have happened had I not experienced pain and grief! In those times, he has brought me to the end of myself. (I often find that "I" am my most biggest problem.) I have found when I have nothing left but God, that He is enough!
After coming through a season of a series of trials (a few years), with storms of all kinds that challenged and tried every area of my life.... I was stripped physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Things kept happening, one thing after another. It sort of had a domino effect... I came to the point where I began to laugh and say...."What's next?.... But it drew me to "None of these things move me... neither do I count my life dear unto myself". In thes dark and dreadful moments, the Lord would bring portions of scripture to my memory as I was grasping to make sense of it all... It would lead me back to the Word to look up the references of those scriptures and dig more deeply into them. A friend told me as she laughed, "He's playing 'hide and seek' with you!"
Job does not curse God as his wife suggests he should do, getting rid of the problem by getting rid of God. But neither does Job explain suffering. Suffering is a mystery, and Job comes to respect the mystery.
In the course of facing , questioning and respecting suffering, Job finds himself in a even larger mystery--the mystery of God. Perhaps the greatest mystery in suffering is how it can bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise. Suffering does not inevitably do that, but it does it far more often that we would expect. Sufferers attract fixers the way roadkills attract vultures.
Job rejects the kind of advice and teaching that has God all figured out, that provides glib explanations for every circumstance. Faith is refined in the fires and storms of pain, We cannot have truth about God divorced from the mind and heart of God. People do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. when these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before suffering.
Sometimes it's hard to know how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize during those times of darkness is that God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us.
We gain hope - not from the darkness of our suffering, not from the past answers in books, but from the God whos sees our suffering and shares our pain.
Reading Job prayfully and meditatively leads us to face the questions that arise when our lives don't turn out the way we expect them to.
In every story of deliverance, it was humankind coming to the point of desperation, that gave God the opportunity to act. Arriving at their wits end of desperation (Psalm 107:27), was the beinnging of God's power.
While going through this series of various storms of all kinds... I was at times dumbfounded and would say..."What is this thing? What is happening to me?" I'm sure others watching it all were thinking.... What did she do wrong?
After approximately a 2 year period of storms, the Lord cut to my core and spoke to me through the words of Sara Groves, that echoed in my spirit as she decribed the story behind her album... She said the album was trying to document a faith struggle. "The Other Side of Something"... That's where I was "The Other Side of Something". I wept.
"The other side of something is the best way to describe where I am right now. I said I wanted to describe the last season of my life. I am on the other side of something and I don't know what that is yet, because I am too close to it! I will have to wait a few more years in order to name it better. I feel like I am definitely over something. A season of victory. A season of feeling a little more confident in my faith over the past 3 years."
This ministered to me so deeply, as prior to this I couldn't put words to what I was experiencing. So in this continued journey, my faith and my roots are growing deeper. I am more intimately acquainted with the lover of my soul....
"The Living Flame Of Love"
1. O living flame of love that tenderly wounds my soul in its deepest center! Since now your are not oppressive, now consummate! If it be your will: tear throught the veil of this sweet encounter!
2. O sweet cautery, O delightful wound! O gentle hand! O delicate touch that tastes of eternal life and pays every debt. In killing you changed death to life.
3. O lamps of fire! in whose splendors the deep caverns of feeling, once obscure and blind, now give forth, so rarelly, so exquisitely, both warmth and light to their Beloved.
4. How gently and lovingly you wake in my heart, where in secret you dwell alone; and in your sweet breathing, filled with good and glory, how tenderly you swell my heart with love.
So this is where I am right now...Longing, hungering and thirsting for more. He is bringing me into more quietness and solitude. The draw of the crowds, noise and activity no longer has the "pull" it once did....I love my time alone. It gives me the opportunity to draw closer, experience His presence in a way I haven't earlier in my walk. As I become more quiet, His whispers of the still small voice have become louder. It is such sweet communion. I am growing in the bridal love for my Lord and I am coming to know what its means to be His bride. I also have been marinating over the story of the seven virgins and having oil in my lamp and what it means to be watching, waiting and being in a state of preparedness... and not losing hope in the midst of delay. Seven were foolish, seven were wise... May I learn something from the wisdom of the wise. "Wisdom and knowledge will be the stability of your times, and the strength of salvation."(Isaiah 33:6)
"The Call of Love"... O My beloved, abide under the shelter of the lattice for I have betrothed you to Myself,
and though you are sometimes indifferent toward me, My love for you is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for your love and affection is deep and constant.
Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with Me. Take it, though you leave the tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance that you think. Our time together is like a garden full of flowers whereas the time you give to things is as a field full of stubble.
I love you, and if you can always, as it were, feel My pulse beat, you will receive insight that will give you sustaining strength. I bore your sins and I wish to carry your burdens. You may take the gift of a light and a merry heart, for My love dispels all fear and is a cure for every ill. Lay your head upon my breast and lose yourself in Me. You will experience resurrection life and peace: the joy of the Lord will become your strength; and wells of savation will be opened to you." ( From "Come Away My Beloved")
My story...What did this experience do for me? Being stripped of everything... it stripped me and I found my true identity, my authentic self, which was deeply rooted in the True Vine... the branch only reveals the inner nature of the Vine. My identity was not defined by what I had, my position; my job, by other people's opinions of me or their accusations, my physical conditon of my body, though broken and bruised; my emotions did not dictate over my spirit---When all was stripped away, I found Christ strong and powerful within me. It reinforced that I am nothing without Him... Because if all was stripped away and I didn't have Christ, I would truly have nothing. But I found myself very rich in God ~~ a bank account with eternal value that could never be depleted or stolen in the physical realm of my earthly life. It is secured in heaven's vault!--To me, this is priceless!!!
I say all this, not to boast of myself... but I boast of Christ... "For it is God that worketh in me, both to will and to do his good pleasure..."And He that started a good work in me will bring it to completion" It is not something that I could do.... it is a supernatural reformation of my heart, which will be a continual process until I meet Him face to face!
